i was on the phone when it suddenly struck me.
i instinctively run out from my room, locked myself in the toilet.
i was bleeding. a lot of blood.
i didn't know what i was doing , the pain was stunning, i was knocked sensless.
it was rising, twisting my body, my mind retreated to cut away from it.
i was hitting walls, crying, my face distorted.
like a dumb animal in a cage, like a sensless , desperate animal trying to get out, survival instinct kicking in, enraged at it's capturers.
dumb animal , no comprehension.
it was terrible , dehumanizing.
the pain, my capturer.
lamenting , wailing , lamenting, wailing, banging on the walls.
nobody came. i heard them, m. and k.g., closing door.
i was all alone, mortally terrified.
is this how it is? in the end, are people alone when they suffer, when they're in pain?
i don't know how long did it take. continuous lamenting, wailing, banging.
i darted out of the toilet to the bathroom. i wasn't paying attention to anything, excruciating pain, consciousness still in retreat to protect itself.
still crying, wailing i lay myself in the huge, oval bath.
i let the cool water cover me, wind around me.
i guess that not without a reason french words for mother and sea sound similar.
i lay in embryonal position, wrapped up in water, shivering with pain , my awareness back and spread out on the water's surface.
the pain was so huge. i didn't know it can hurt so much.
***
i was alone, no one to fall back on.
a friend called only to inform me what i'm missing out on while not being present at the college.
another friend, right after the attack took place, called and asked me to scan&send him materials for a school assignment. he asked me not to tell him things like that. he hurried me to get the materials.
i need to get away, escape, withdraw.
i need to be off for some time, unreachable.
