come what may

wasn't accepted at the university. failure. mourn for me.
( i guess road to nyc got a bit harder. )

there's a design

[ 6 packs of chocolate lentils/ smarties , 2 packs of haribo jellies , 2 of almonds , 12 bars of chocolate . all in eXtra large size ]

Thou shalt not kill

Shema Yisrael

see & sign

SEE for yourself - http://www.al-jabr.net/Photos/
and then
please , SIGN - http://www.epetitions.net/julywar/

new york cares

[ a. told me i'm her pocket nyc ]

beating of the season.

i was really happy about this summer job.
i even woke up too early on that day.
beating of the season.
laughter at the hall.
everyone looked like they were undressed and not clean.
and rather fucktarded.
rather.
i mean , i'm asking.
gosh , is it something eXtremely difficult ? being nice to others ?
does it hurt ? is it too eXpensive ?
but no.
and i'm totally so not assertive.
so i allowed to be abused.
and it was a really fucking difficult job , very tiring.
and everybody was like imposing on me their responsibilities.
and those fat , ugly looking hags , obviously with many issues , putting their frustrations on others. thinking they're more important than the rest, treating people like dirt.
like they were some friggin' celebrities . talking strangely.
give me a break , had to run away really far from them during the pause.
and there was this terrible security lady , like from a very bad fairytale.
being obnoxious , rude and yelling at everybody without a reason.
finally , i couldn't bear it. i shouted back . which was a mistake . started a short , but frustrating discussion [ yeah , like she had any arguments ] .
common , what's this all about ? behaving like this in 2006 ? hallo ?
like i said , beating of the season.
fuck.
left that place as soon as i could [ frustrationfactory ].
told them to get lost [ actually to fuck off].
of course not directly , everybody knows i don't know how to be assertive.
so , no way i'm going back there.
[and no way i'm ever going to shop there ]

wonder if they expect me to show up.

my hero.

harvey milk.



his prediction
and
his wish.

damien hirst mini

now you know what i want for my birthday. common , show me how much you love me.

running a normal life/ i'm sooo boring

spent some money lately on cosmetics [ yes , c o s m e t i c s ] , but was a bit confused about it later . good or bad ?
me sis' , s. and b. said there's nothing wrong with it , just taking care of myself , investing in myself.
yeah , i'll probably go to hell for vanity.

speaking of money. YAY ! i finally got a summer job !

did some exercise on sunday , during the ' i want to be thin' mood , and now i can barely move [ sooo lame ]

been a bit down [ melancholic ] for the last 2 days , i think ( listening to mazzy star's 'fade into you' all the time ) .
although i did have wonderful conversations with a. , she's so adorable [ my Gracie ] . shared some personal stuff with her. thnx for standing me sweetie !

in all that my shyness i wrote 2 messages to O. [ found the courage ].
no response , though.

[i think i spend too much time on the net]

i'm high on crack.

i see all those handsome , wellbuild man[bears].

i want to be and look like them , i say to myself.

i stuff myself with l-carnitine, fat transporters, fat thermo burners, other pills.

i consume green tea and water only.

i started working out at the gym ( under Oliver's influence ).

i gained 6 kg.


d'oh!

i really do

me luv'

my beloved sis

the ultimate sound collective [the homeless]

i'm so popular

grimeclone

lady sovereign wears the same t-shirt as i. such a clone. gosh.

they wore versace

waiting for the exams' results. it's like waiting for a sentence . and i thought i'm free from such feelings. placed everything on those two cards. say a prayer for me.
[the grass outside is being mowed. i smell hay.]

retard

i should read more books. i think i'm retarded.

[.]

[ listening to pet shop boys , frankie goes to hollywood , erasure , the communards , soft cell , bronski beat . is this gay or what ? ]

locked in.

went for a bikemarathon on saturday. as a guest & companion . ended amid crowds , but i so wanted to be finally alone. [ i'm so inconsistent ]. didn't know what to do. wanted to scream and runaway . been in the middle of nowhere, for couple of hours.
s. wanted me to stay over at his place for another night. didn't know what to say . i'm so not assertive. was afraid i'll look too eccentric for 'normal' people . i dreamt of being alone , in my room , of a shrimp soup and "will&grace"

[i'm such a shmock]

i am a star*terrorist

dream on [rave on]

Chelsea&ChelseaHotel.Elliott Smith is playing in my head.DavidBartonGym.EagleBar & Snaxx.Coffe & Chocolate Milk.5BE Galerry.ProvinceTown. I need O.K. And to pay visits to the magical home of Sierra and Bianca. Sing for me Antony.
Texting messages with a. , a lot.

where do I begin

i'm too fat for my xl ben sherman.
a real life time tragedy.
i want to go to nyc.